Friday, December 18, 2009

Transparency

While I know that mostly this blog is a way to keep everyone updated on how we are doing in NH and how big the boys are getting. But from time to time I will also have to spend a moment being transparent.

Last October, many of our close friends began praying with us over Chris's decision to pursue a job in NH and over our attempts at having another baby. At the time, we knew that both of these would bless our family in a way that we did not even know yet. We prayed and waited and within weeks of each other we were blessed with the wonderful news that we were having a baby and that baby would be born far from where we currently were living. Many of you watched as we started going through this scary process of preparing for both happenings and prayed over us for God's blessing and direction.

So now it is almost exactly one year from the time that we sat in the Duty's Hope Group and asked for prayer over these specific choices. And now we are here, somewhere we never really believed we would be.

Now comes the transparency. Many things had to change and choices had to be prayerfully considered in order for us to be here. We knew that my new job would be to stay home and care for our little one, as well as our home. We knew that Christopher would best thrive and be challenged in a private school, and that choice would cause us to make other sacrifices. We knew that God had asked us to come here as a mission and put Chris on a campus where he would have to be a light in a dark place.

All of this would require more faith of us than we had ever really had before. Before, we were able to live and just be a light along with a whole lot of other lights. Before, if things were not going right, we had innumerable options for help around every corner. Before this, exhibiting our faith took very little for us, because all of that made life somewhat easier. And then there is now.

Now, being a Christian in a place where there are so few is challenging. Now, the sacrifices we were so sure we had been called to make seem hard and frustrating. And so many other things that I would have never questioned, are becoming the only questions I have. I have now begun to doubt every decision that has led us here, to where we now are; so far from home with a new baby and a growing son.

Doubt, I am learning is one of those things that all of us are afflicted with as believers. The enemy loves to use that 5 letter word to make us question all that we know to be true. It is also one of those things that no one wants to talk about. It seems easier to talk about our other more obvious sins and how we need prayer for them or how are are conquering them; but this sin is one so many of us suffer in silence. No one, especially me, wants to admit that doubt is a daily part of our lives. But I have learned that by not admitting it is there, it has permeated every little detail of my life.

I say all this only to be 100% honest with all of you who came along side us during this difficult year of change. I ask for continued prayer in this area. I don't think I would have even admitted this was an issue if my sweet mother in law had not first sent me a devotional that just reminded me that I am not alone in this area. Why do we, as believers, sometimes think it is best to suffer our sins alone instead of going to the Body and asking for help. So, now I am asking, now knowing that I have never been alone in this.

Thanks for listening.

3 comments:

Kari said...

Hey Jenn!
Girl so been where you are... just 4 years ago.
Different place and state, and maybe the situation is not exactly the same, but I know about being alone and I know about doubt and unbelief. I WILL be praying for you!
Miss all of y'all!
-Kari

Jenn Harrist said...

Thank you, Kari! I know I am not alone in this. But there are so many of our sins where we do feel all alone - just as the enemy would want it! So, thank you.

Diane said...

wow...what beautiful words and well articulated thoughts and feelings! Amazing how our Father works and sends us the words we need to say and hear at the right time...remember, you may be far in distance, but you are never far from my heart. You may feel alone and isolated now, but trust me, in a short time you will look back on these moments as the ones that brought you a strength and courage you never knew you had. Growing is never easy and is seldom painless...but it is worth it.

Gary and I pray for you all every day, several times a day. We are together with you in spirit and in strength, as believers and as receivers of the Father's love and grace.

Love you!!